Limits of Exhaustion

It has been quiet with mimi the past week. I went for my weekly visit last Friday and WOW. I was exhausted after visiting for just TWO HOURS! It truly amazed me how confused she was of the prior events and how nothing..seriously nothing..was ever good for her. And she still was in denial about the cancer. Would this ever end? Sadly, I thought, it will end in a tragedy. A sad tragedy of lung cancer and years of smoking that would be the sentence none of us want to hear but all of us will at some point. We all die. What's the old saying? Two things in life are certain..death and taxes.

I felt so bad for her. She denied the cancer yet again. The doctor that she thought hung the moon and stars and was just a little short of God himself had even told her she had cancer and she still did not believe him! Wow! I just hoped that she would believe the oncologist when she went to that appointment. If not, what more could one do? But as I have said before, I might deny cancer if I knew it would make me feel better. I surrendered to her thoughts about this issue. It was too exhausting to argue with her. Another doctor would tell her and if she wanted treatment, it would click. At the time, she did not want treatment and she definitely did NOT want surgery. She told me that if they suggested surgery, she would just tell them "tough titties, I ain't doin no surgery, shit." It took all of my energy not to crack up at her when she went into her tirades about doctors and just life in general.

My aunt arrived and I felt almost more for her than mimi. The look of exhaustion was all over her face. But she was there morning, noon and after work every...single...day. An old co-worker of mimi's stopped by and my aunt and I slipped into the kitchen to discuss what all had been happening. Of course, I had to make me some cornbread and milk because mimi had felt good enough to make homemade cornbread. Yum. This is one of my favorite snacks! That and chocolate gravy of course! My aunt said that mimi had been bitching about the new bathroom decor. "The curtains are too long, the shower curtain is too long..blah, blah." Mimi caught wind of this and said "I told you Sammy was going to fix those!" She could hear an ant crawl! Finally, my aunt just said nothing with the house had been good enough and that her feelings were hurt. I didn't blame her, I mean my hubby and I had put a lot of hard work in the house and I know my uncle and aunt had too. But, that was the way it had always been. My aunt bore the brunt of the negative comments. To me, mimi loved the house, it was great. Turn around and to my aunt, curtains too long, etc. etc. etc.

We go back in the living room and mimi is in rare form. Shit this and shit that she went on to her friend. She argued with my aunt and I about EVERYTHING. I finally just let it go. Her mind was so jumbled from everything related to the hospital, there was no point in trying to straighten her out. I wondered if the lung doc was right to an extent of her brain damage. She just seemed a little off, not quite with the program. The one time in the conversation I put my foot down is when she argued with me about her will. Finally, I just said, "I am an ATTORNEY. I know what I am talking about here." And that ended the confrontation.

I left feeling completely exhausted after just two hours of visiting. I felt for my aunt who was there everyday. I called my dad to let him know the craziness of the day and that he needed to go see her and give his sister a break. But, in reality, that is just how mimi was to my aunt. If my dad would have showed up, it could have been a different story. Before I left I reminded her that I would not be up this week. I had a wedding in New Orleans and was looking so forward to the relief, the getaway. But for the time, I just headed home relieved that I could drive away, excited to go to the fair with my husband, but still loving mimi more than before. I was fortunate to be able to rest for my exhaustion...and that was my ultimate plan.