In the middle of the night, I woke up thinking to myself how I needed to explain what a spitfire mimi is before I go any further with this story.
She is about 4'11'' at weighs 93 lbs. on a good day but most days it is 88. False teeth and thinning hair that looks like a mad scientist at this point since she hasn't been able to wash it in a week. Her legs are as thin as toothpicks and growing up I remember dad calling her bird legs. A rough edge voice due to 50 years of smoking that you can hear from miles away..clearly. She spends her evenings on the phone talking to her girlfriends about life, love and the latest arrests in their small town. She admits she loves to gossip. Outspoken and witty, you can't help but love her times a thousand.
For example, even though she was sick of the hospital there was a young guy who would refill her water that she would lay it on thick with. She gives him a hard time and tells him that "if you are refilling my water, then I want some more" and when we went down the hall for a walk and ran into him she said, "oh, we were just looking for you." And he blushed of course, I mean who wouldn't? She is such a ham.
Most of all, she is a fighter. No matter the news today, I know it will not be an easy fight for the cancer. Mimi has unbelievable strength although she has a small physical stature. Good luck cancer...it is going to be a bumpy ride.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
"I'm thinking of what Sarah said..."
Another afternoon and evening at the hospital with mimi. She had visitors throughout the day so I cleaned house, walked the pups, recharged my batteries from the exhausting Sunday. As I was walking the pups a song that I truly love shuffled through on my MP3 player. Death Cab for Cutie's "What Sarah Said" brought a too familiar feeling to my gut. The song is so beautiful with a moving piano chord that always brings a tear to my eye. The words have such a deep meaning and then the one line that can rip one's heart...."love is watching someone die....who's going watch you die?" A gorgeous autumn day with a beautiful song playing and two cute pups having a blast on a their daily walk and a lot of time to think.
Love is watching someone die.....what does that mean? We all are going to perish at some point so are we not technically watching everyone die? But I knew what it meant. If you are suffering and have to go through treatments, who is going to be there for you? Sitting here in the hospital with mimi, I knew exactly what kind of love the song meant. It is an unconditional love...one that can sustain the pain of seeing a loved one suffer. The kind of love that gets you through the long days at the hospital, the waiting, the watching, the wondering.
Tomorrow is D-Day. The doctor will come and give mimi her death sentence. Or not. I am a firm believer that God only knows when we come and go and how we enjoy the ride. Doctors can figure all of their scientific calculations and give death sentences to their patients left and right but they are not God..they do not have a final answer. So I hope and pray for the best possible outcome tomorrow. I hope more than anything they let her go home for a few days at least. The hospital is making her crazy and frankly I hate to see her suffer in there when all she wants is her home. Even if going home is only for a short while. Lord please...give her release.
Spending the evening with her was a fun adventure as usual. A new roommate had moved in last night. This poor woman suffered from pancreatitis; a side effect from a medicine that had been prescribed to her for another ailment. And here she was in the hospital, hooked up to a morphine pump, because that is the only thing that could ease her pain. Her husband was a real nice country fella. He chatted with all of us and kept mimi entertained...it is always nice to hear her visit with others, she just enjoys it so much. When their son and daughter-in-law came to visit, it only got funnier. Mimi does not have a censor on her mouth and you never know what she is going to say. Her thing today was that she was ready to get home and have her "beer and cigarettes". That's all she wants is her "beer and cigarettes." They were told that, the nursing staff, visitors, whoever would listen. They couldn't help but chuckle. She went on to scold me in front of them because I need to be "home cookin for my husband." It floored her that he may do some of the cooking and that he may ENJOY doing some of the cooking. Or how we had to walk to another bathroom because she didn't want them to hear her "go" in thehosptial room bathroom. Way..too..funny. Priceless memories to me.
But, the woman was moved to a private room and mimi was once again left alone. She expressed her concern for tomorrow and how she just doesn't know what was going to happen. I reassured her that we do not know anything until we talk to the doctor and that after that, we can weigh the options before any decisions are made. I thought to myself, "thank you god that my dad is coming down tomorrow." I was exhausted and didn't know how much longer I could be on the roller coaster..for now at least. When I left, I did our new routine yet again, made sure she had her pain meds, kissed her on the forehead, told her I loved her and I will see her tomorrow. I pray she rest tonight. I pray I rest tonight. I am going to need my energy for the future.
Who knows what tomorrow holds? It brings me back to the Death Cab song..."there's no comfort in the waiting room. Just nervous faces bracing for bad news. Then the nurse comes round and everyone lifts their heads...I'm thinking of what Sarah said...that love is watching someone die. " That is the love I have for my mimi. And that is the journey that lies ahead.
Love is watching someone die.....what does that mean? We all are going to perish at some point so are we not technically watching everyone die? But I knew what it meant. If you are suffering and have to go through treatments, who is going to be there for you? Sitting here in the hospital with mimi, I knew exactly what kind of love the song meant. It is an unconditional love...one that can sustain the pain of seeing a loved one suffer. The kind of love that gets you through the long days at the hospital, the waiting, the watching, the wondering.
Tomorrow is D-Day. The doctor will come and give mimi her death sentence. Or not. I am a firm believer that God only knows when we come and go and how we enjoy the ride. Doctors can figure all of their scientific calculations and give death sentences to their patients left and right but they are not God..they do not have a final answer. So I hope and pray for the best possible outcome tomorrow. I hope more than anything they let her go home for a few days at least. The hospital is making her crazy and frankly I hate to see her suffer in there when all she wants is her home. Even if going home is only for a short while. Lord please...give her release.
Spending the evening with her was a fun adventure as usual. A new roommate had moved in last night. This poor woman suffered from pancreatitis; a side effect from a medicine that had been prescribed to her for another ailment. And here she was in the hospital, hooked up to a morphine pump, because that is the only thing that could ease her pain. Her husband was a real nice country fella. He chatted with all of us and kept mimi entertained...it is always nice to hear her visit with others, she just enjoys it so much. When their son and daughter-in-law came to visit, it only got funnier. Mimi does not have a censor on her mouth and you never know what she is going to say. Her thing today was that she was ready to get home and have her "beer and cigarettes". That's all she wants is her "beer and cigarettes." They were told that, the nursing staff, visitors, whoever would listen. They couldn't help but chuckle. She went on to scold me in front of them because I need to be "home cookin for my husband." It floored her that he may do some of the cooking and that he may ENJOY doing some of the cooking. Or how we had to walk to another bathroom because she didn't want them to hear her "go" in thehosptial room bathroom. Way..too..funny. Priceless memories to me.
But, the woman was moved to a private room and mimi was once again left alone. She expressed her concern for tomorrow and how she just doesn't know what was going to happen. I reassured her that we do not know anything until we talk to the doctor and that after that, we can weigh the options before any decisions are made. I thought to myself, "thank you god that my dad is coming down tomorrow." I was exhausted and didn't know how much longer I could be on the roller coaster..for now at least. When I left, I did our new routine yet again, made sure she had her pain meds, kissed her on the forehead, told her I loved her and I will see her tomorrow. I pray she rest tonight. I pray I rest tonight. I am going to need my energy for the future.
Who knows what tomorrow holds? It brings me back to the Death Cab song..."there's no comfort in the waiting room. Just nervous faces bracing for bad news. Then the nurse comes round and everyone lifts their heads...I'm thinking of what Sarah said...that love is watching someone die. " That is the love I have for my mimi. And that is the journey that lies ahead.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
"Look at the mess I've gotten myself into."
Saturday was wonderful. Just my husband and I and our family of pets relaxing the afternoon away after the bike race. This was followed by getting ready for a night out on the town, something that I haven't done in awhile and it felt good. Sipping on my pinot grigio as I primped and posed was such a treat and I felt good about myself. Feeling good about myself has been a journey in itself over the years. From the epitome of a deflated self-esteem to actually being able to look in the mirror or at a photo and say, "you know...I am not half bad, you sexy kitten" has been one hell of a ride. But, I made it and it felt good to see it again. Then we went to a neighborhood block party and my bud's big 30th bash...with lots of vino to boot....much needed and much appreciated.
All to be followed up by an unexpected Sunday in the hospital with mimi. Granted, we were going to visit her Sunday but an early phone call from my aunt explaining that she wasn't sure if mimi had her anxiety pill and she was freaking out led to an unshowered bum moving hurriedly out the door and zooming over to assist in stopping one of probably many meltdowns. I thought, feeling guilty later, surely this will only take an hour or so and then the visitors will pile in so I could slip out and get a shower and some things done around the house. But no...that wasn't the case. A couple of short-time visitors led to a full eight hours of me and mimi and a roller coaster of emotions and one of the most memorable days I would have spent with her.
She had actually taken her Xanax and seemed normal but sad when I arrived trotting through the door as thought I was walking into a fire to save someone. "Hi hon. Glad to see you, what's going on?" So I sat and we began to visit. Lunch was served and she split her meal down the middle to share because she couldn't eat it all. She explained that she felt bad for leaving any food on the tray because there were other people out there who needed it and it was going to waste. Although I was full from a pancake brunch my husband had made, I took the food and shared a meal with my mimi. She explained that she hated the apple pie as well and that it did not need to be wasted, so I ate the pie (or parts of it) and ate the lemon icebox pie with dinner. I could have cared less and really did not have a desire for pie at the time but I kept thinking how guilty I would feel if two years down the road, I looked back and thought "damn, I wish I would have eaten that pie with my mimi." So, I ate it and it wasn't half bad but the sentiment made it delicious.
The afternoon ended up being rather eventful. After lunch, my uncle brought my cousin and his little boy up to see mimi. Because the great-grandson was still a baby, we had to go visit him outside. I went to fetch a wheelchair (hospital policy) to wheel mimi out to the fountain garden to see them. What a treat that was for her...or was it? I wasn't really sure after all of the bitching with regards to the super stretch limo wheelchair that I had to wheel her outside in and that she wanted a cigarette even though I explained that it was a non-smoking hospital campus. But, in the end, I think she did enjoy the baby's visit. He was adorable and smiled and waved bye-bye as she held him on her lap. Another memory of her happiness to put away in my memory box.
After they left, we wheeled back upstairs to the room and settled in for an afternoon of TV and chatting about things, mainly life. She was confused about the situation and the biopsy, tumor, why she was there..you name it, she questioned it. She thought she was having surgery to remove the tumor on Monday when in reality, it was the biopsy of the tumor to determine the severity of the cancer. Maybe this was her defense mechanism. She went on about how she didn't have cancer, how she was going to prove them wrong and with the blink on an eye, changed her tune to coming down for treatment and quitting smoking. This roller coaster had a lot of hills and turns.
Then we chatted about the good ole days and how she was happy to have seen her kids grown, her grandkids grown and even a couple of great-grandkids. She was in tears that she watched people leave the hospital yet she was still there waiting and not really sure what she was waiting for. She would sigh and look at me and shake her head as she said "Look at the mess I've gotten myself into." I know she was thinking how she is not ready to go, she wants to hang around awhile longer. The reality of cancer had set in..at least for today. She had a couple of more visitors and we chatted and chatted and then after they left, we went on a walk, shared another meal and visited some more. It was turning dark and she didn't want me to leave unless my husband came up to the hospital to follow me home..which he did. The strength and compassion of my husband we will get to another day, but he is my rock and he will be my shoulder to cry on throughout this story that is bound to have a heartbreaking ending.
The day was wonderful...sad but wonderful. It was the chance of a lifetime to see how human my mimi was and to share stories of the past and learn about her life (which has been quite interesting to say the least). This day...an unexpected, unscheduled hospital visit will be one that I will remember forever. Before I left, I reminded her that none of us know what the future may hold, but we can think positive and remember we love each other. And we left with a kiss, love you and see you tomorrow. I am going to miss her so much.
All to be followed up by an unexpected Sunday in the hospital with mimi. Granted, we were going to visit her Sunday but an early phone call from my aunt explaining that she wasn't sure if mimi had her anxiety pill and she was freaking out led to an unshowered bum moving hurriedly out the door and zooming over to assist in stopping one of probably many meltdowns. I thought, feeling guilty later, surely this will only take an hour or so and then the visitors will pile in so I could slip out and get a shower and some things done around the house. But no...that wasn't the case. A couple of short-time visitors led to a full eight hours of me and mimi and a roller coaster of emotions and one of the most memorable days I would have spent with her.
She had actually taken her Xanax and seemed normal but sad when I arrived trotting through the door as thought I was walking into a fire to save someone. "Hi hon. Glad to see you, what's going on?" So I sat and we began to visit. Lunch was served and she split her meal down the middle to share because she couldn't eat it all. She explained that she felt bad for leaving any food on the tray because there were other people out there who needed it and it was going to waste. Although I was full from a pancake brunch my husband had made, I took the food and shared a meal with my mimi. She explained that she hated the apple pie as well and that it did not need to be wasted, so I ate the pie (or parts of it) and ate the lemon icebox pie with dinner. I could have cared less and really did not have a desire for pie at the time but I kept thinking how guilty I would feel if two years down the road, I looked back and thought "damn, I wish I would have eaten that pie with my mimi." So, I ate it and it wasn't half bad but the sentiment made it delicious.
The afternoon ended up being rather eventful. After lunch, my uncle brought my cousin and his little boy up to see mimi. Because the great-grandson was still a baby, we had to go visit him outside. I went to fetch a wheelchair (hospital policy) to wheel mimi out to the fountain garden to see them. What a treat that was for her...or was it? I wasn't really sure after all of the bitching with regards to the super stretch limo wheelchair that I had to wheel her outside in and that she wanted a cigarette even though I explained that it was a non-smoking hospital campus. But, in the end, I think she did enjoy the baby's visit. He was adorable and smiled and waved bye-bye as she held him on her lap. Another memory of her happiness to put away in my memory box.
After they left, we wheeled back upstairs to the room and settled in for an afternoon of TV and chatting about things, mainly life. She was confused about the situation and the biopsy, tumor, why she was there..you name it, she questioned it. She thought she was having surgery to remove the tumor on Monday when in reality, it was the biopsy of the tumor to determine the severity of the cancer. Maybe this was her defense mechanism. She went on about how she didn't have cancer, how she was going to prove them wrong and with the blink on an eye, changed her tune to coming down for treatment and quitting smoking. This roller coaster had a lot of hills and turns.
Then we chatted about the good ole days and how she was happy to have seen her kids grown, her grandkids grown and even a couple of great-grandkids. She was in tears that she watched people leave the hospital yet she was still there waiting and not really sure what she was waiting for. She would sigh and look at me and shake her head as she said "Look at the mess I've gotten myself into." I know she was thinking how she is not ready to go, she wants to hang around awhile longer. The reality of cancer had set in..at least for today. She had a couple of more visitors and we chatted and chatted and then after they left, we went on a walk, shared another meal and visited some more. It was turning dark and she didn't want me to leave unless my husband came up to the hospital to follow me home..which he did. The strength and compassion of my husband we will get to another day, but he is my rock and he will be my shoulder to cry on throughout this story that is bound to have a heartbreaking ending.
The day was wonderful...sad but wonderful. It was the chance of a lifetime to see how human my mimi was and to share stories of the past and learn about her life (which has been quite interesting to say the least). This day...an unexpected, unscheduled hospital visit will be one that I will remember forever. Before I left, I reminded her that none of us know what the future may hold, but we can think positive and remember we love each other. And we left with a kiss, love you and see you tomorrow. I am going to miss her so much.
32 miles of Air
So, I participated in a 32-mile bike race yesterday. My husband was riding in the 50 miler and after the stress and disarray of the week, I thought; "What the hell? It would be good to get some intense exercise." So, I signed up on Friday and was ready to roll early yesterday morning. I needed to think, I needed fresh air, I needed to not be at the hospital. So off I went, actually off we went, to wing our extended ride.
Within the first mile, I met my riding buddy for the day. She was an energetic soul who was on business and decided, like myself, what the heck, I will ride in a race I haven't trained for! We stuck together the entire 32 miles, me on my hybrid and she on her mountain bike. It was truly an uplifting experience. Watching the sun crest above the river and give a reflection that all the money in the world could not buy. Enjoying the first cool morning of the season by inhaling fresh air by the pound and feeling the burn in my thighs helped to melt my hospital stress away and refocus on the positive in my life. It was the best 32 miles of air yet.
After the race, I felt refreshed and ready to face the upcoming challenge of mimi's cancer. God would help me get through this, my husband would help me get through this, my family will help me get through this...all to lay a strong foundation for me, who will help her get through this.
Within the first mile, I met my riding buddy for the day. She was an energetic soul who was on business and decided, like myself, what the heck, I will ride in a race I haven't trained for! We stuck together the entire 32 miles, me on my hybrid and she on her mountain bike. It was truly an uplifting experience. Watching the sun crest above the river and give a reflection that all the money in the world could not buy. Enjoying the first cool morning of the season by inhaling fresh air by the pound and feeling the burn in my thighs helped to melt my hospital stress away and refocus on the positive in my life. It was the best 32 miles of air yet.
After the race, I felt refreshed and ready to face the upcoming challenge of mimi's cancer. God would help me get through this, my husband would help me get through this, my family will help me get through this...all to lay a strong foundation for me, who will help her get through this.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Expect the worst but hope for the best.
Expect the worst but hope for the best. An optimistic saying I have heard my entire life. It's amazing how one phrase can be applied to so many different situations. "That test was a nightmare, there is no way I passed. " "My natural gas bill is going to be through the roof this month." "Maybe there is not a huge tumor in my right lung. " All of the prior phrases bring this one saying to mind. Expect the worst but hope for the best.
The news came about 3:30 p.m. yesterday. Cancer...CANCER...CANCER...the doctor told me about my mimi. "I do not feel it is worth it to operate because she has a large tumor in her right lung and it has spread to the lymph nodes. With treatment...less than a year." And that is when the dagger went through my gut. How dare this man put a timeline on my mimi's life! I knew it would be bad but this? My time is running out? The tears could not be held back anymore. His nurse looked at me with haunting compassion in her eyes and mouths "I'm sorry." They left and I crumbled. The optimistic soul left the room. Next up in hell....telling my mimi what the doc had said...telling my dad, my family that it was bad. The hope for the best had left the room.
So this is where the story will begin. From vascular surgery to cancer biopsy to hopefully taking her to her home where she can be comfortable. The biopsy is Monday. She is strong, a independent, hell-bent spitfire as some would say. She has always expected the worst and never hoped for the best....until now. She claims they do not know what they are talking about (the doctors), and that she is going to show them. I am at a loss. She, after 67 years, is hoping for the best. And that makes me strong. I couldn't help but tear up yesterday when she came in the room and we had to "talk". But leave it to mimi to say, "Well hell, no use in crying, I ain't dead yet." And then the laughter occurs and I think "I need to have that attitude. Enjoy the now and don't worry about the later." So that is where I stand at this moment in time.
Expect the worst but I am hoping and praying for the best.
The news came about 3:30 p.m. yesterday. Cancer...CANCER...CANCER...the doctor told me about my mimi. "I do not feel it is worth it to operate because she has a large tumor in her right lung and it has spread to the lymph nodes. With treatment...less than a year." And that is when the dagger went through my gut. How dare this man put a timeline on my mimi's life! I knew it would be bad but this? My time is running out? The tears could not be held back anymore. His nurse looked at me with haunting compassion in her eyes and mouths "I'm sorry." They left and I crumbled. The optimistic soul left the room. Next up in hell....telling my mimi what the doc had said...telling my dad, my family that it was bad. The hope for the best had left the room.
So this is where the story will begin. From vascular surgery to cancer biopsy to hopefully taking her to her home where she can be comfortable. The biopsy is Monday. She is strong, a independent, hell-bent spitfire as some would say. She has always expected the worst and never hoped for the best....until now. She claims they do not know what they are talking about (the doctors), and that she is going to show them. I am at a loss. She, after 67 years, is hoping for the best. And that makes me strong. I couldn't help but tear up yesterday when she came in the room and we had to "talk". But leave it to mimi to say, "Well hell, no use in crying, I ain't dead yet." And then the laughter occurs and I think "I need to have that attitude. Enjoy the now and don't worry about the later." So that is where I stand at this moment in time.
Expect the worst but I am hoping and praying for the best.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Coming and going....to places unknown.
Sitting at the hospital watching my little mimi sleep (finally) pondering life and what the future may hold. They say we all have an average of 75 to 79 years of life before our bodies quit and send our souls to another dimension. What to do with this life? In this life? I wonder what my mimi is thinking at this moment. Lying here, 67 years old, thinking that they are going to give her a death sentence as a punishment for over 50 years of smoking. Just to get her to this point was a feat in itself. If her toes were not black and blue and she was not in pain (level 10 as she says) she wouldn't even be here now. Was it worth it?
Doctor appointment led to the next appointment which lead to a specialist which led to hospital which leads us to this room, the freezing cold room which milk chocolate colored walls and a window that has a view of the ugly, worn roof. The sad thing is that this could be the place where a person breathes his or her last breath, yet there is nothing comforting about this place. No warm-cooked breakfast of homemade biscuits and full-fat gravy feeling, no Christmas morning running to open gifts comfort. Just a cold, generic tiled room with a 20 year old television and paper thin sheets. But, she is still here and not going yet. And neither am I. I just wait. Wait for them to come and take her to get a CT Scan. Wait for the news...praying for the best...knowing it will not be what I want.
It seems as though the older one gets, the busier life is. Is it the evolution of society? Or are we all running away from reality so we occupy ourselves with stuff. From work to board meetings to events, it seems as though no one has time to enjoy each other and friends and family anymore. We are always coming and going, running like crazy, never slowing down. The roommate of my mimi's is a young gal, probably my age, who is here to get blood. After much speculation, I find out she has just taken another round of leukemia and has to have blood. Wow. So young, so full of life, so not me. She obviously loves her life and lives her life, even though she is facing an unknown disease. To me...that is brave..that is the kind of bravery I want to have...someday. I want my life to slow down to achieve this, please lord let me.
But back to mimi, she is finally waking and getting up to walk because her foot hurts. The foot that is black and blue and has no circulation due to smoking. Well, actually due to a hardening of the arteries which is caused by the 50 years of smoking. Could she be going? Maybe. But we all are coming and going in this life. Where you ask? To places unknown.
Doctor appointment led to the next appointment which lead to a specialist which led to hospital which leads us to this room, the freezing cold room which milk chocolate colored walls and a window that has a view of the ugly, worn roof. The sad thing is that this could be the place where a person breathes his or her last breath, yet there is nothing comforting about this place. No warm-cooked breakfast of homemade biscuits and full-fat gravy feeling, no Christmas morning running to open gifts comfort. Just a cold, generic tiled room with a 20 year old television and paper thin sheets. But, she is still here and not going yet. And neither am I. I just wait. Wait for them to come and take her to get a CT Scan. Wait for the news...praying for the best...knowing it will not be what I want.
It seems as though the older one gets, the busier life is. Is it the evolution of society? Or are we all running away from reality so we occupy ourselves with stuff. From work to board meetings to events, it seems as though no one has time to enjoy each other and friends and family anymore. We are always coming and going, running like crazy, never slowing down. The roommate of my mimi's is a young gal, probably my age, who is here to get blood. After much speculation, I find out she has just taken another round of leukemia and has to have blood. Wow. So young, so full of life, so not me. She obviously loves her life and lives her life, even though she is facing an unknown disease. To me...that is brave..that is the kind of bravery I want to have...someday. I want my life to slow down to achieve this, please lord let me.
But back to mimi, she is finally waking and getting up to walk because her foot hurts. The foot that is black and blue and has no circulation due to smoking. Well, actually due to a hardening of the arteries which is caused by the 50 years of smoking. Could she be going? Maybe. But we all are coming and going in this life. Where you ask? To places unknown.
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