"Take me back to New Orleans"

My husband and I just returned from a wedding in New Orleans. It was a MUCH NEEDED vacation and a breath of fresh air (if you can say that about NOLA). No thoughts of cancer of bypasses or treatments; just a blessed event of two very much in love people making it official and a lot of alcohol.

This the first time I had been back to the Crescent City since Katrina but let me tell you one thing; NOLA is VERY ALIVE. The reception was at a plantation on the outskirts of the city. We were chartered by bus to the location and it was interesting to me that we went through very poor places of New Orleans to arrive at this gorgeous plantation. Although it has been three years since the downfall of Katrina, I still expected to see trash and sludge and broken homes lining the streets. To my surprise, the area looked clean, or as clean as NOLA gets, and the puzzle pieces were falling into place once again. Under bridges used to be piles of cars that were destroyed from the water's wrath but now they were once again underpasses with nothing to hide. The plantation was on the other side of THE levee and it had been restored, probably even more beautiful than before Katrina. My heart was broken to see the realization of poverty that surrounded this city of party but I felt a calm knowing that the city and its people had bounced back from such a horrendous tragedy.

As we took the bus ride from the historical Jackson Square to the plantation, there was time to think about things. Seeing the poverty outskirts of the city, I could do imagine the depths of the poor that remained inside the core of New Orleans. A guilty pain gripped my heart. I had been feeling sorry for myself because my mimi was sick, I could not figure out the "perfect" job for me, I missed my friends, blah, blah, bull shit. Had I really lost site of important things? Had I really lost the big picture? Granted, when anyone you love is hurting from disease, it hurts you as well, but that does not mean you should feel sorry for yourself! What had I been thinking? I fancied myself as somewhat of a bleeding heart, willing and wanting to help everyone. I have the business savvy and drive to be CEO of a corporation but why do that when I could help so many more. Help those that have absolutely nothing, knowing most of then may never have anything. I was amazed at the progress. People that had nothing, lost everything and then rebuild back to where they were. Granted, they were not in mansions with three sports cars in the driveway, but they had a home and they were grateful.

The government learned some hard lessons with Katrina. It was a mockery and sham how they treated the situation. I remember the week after Katrina being very depressed for those people, hurting for them, the dead and Anderson Cooper. When I watched his newscast, I saw the pain in his eyes. I saw the cry for mercy in his journalism. I saw our country's mistakes. Tears fell from my eyes on a daily basis. But this rebuilding gave me hope. Hope that no matter what, the human spirit can prevail and can be stronger that it was before.

The weekend was a blast. Seeing friends from both the east and west coast, letting go, having fun was worth it. But the lessons I learned by going back to New Orleans were priceless. No more feeling sorry for myself. I had people to help and save from this cynical world.

Limits of Exhaustion

It has been quiet with mimi the past week. I went for my weekly visit last Friday and WOW. I was exhausted after visiting for just TWO HOURS! It truly amazed me how confused she was of the prior events and how nothing..seriously nothing..was ever good for her. And she still was in denial about the cancer. Would this ever end? Sadly, I thought, it will end in a tragedy. A sad tragedy of lung cancer and years of smoking that would be the sentence none of us want to hear but all of us will at some point. We all die. What's the old saying? Two things in life are certain..death and taxes.

I felt so bad for her. She denied the cancer yet again. The doctor that she thought hung the moon and stars and was just a little short of God himself had even told her she had cancer and she still did not believe him! Wow! I just hoped that she would believe the oncologist when she went to that appointment. If not, what more could one do? But as I have said before, I might deny cancer if I knew it would make me feel better. I surrendered to her thoughts about this issue. It was too exhausting to argue with her. Another doctor would tell her and if she wanted treatment, it would click. At the time, she did not want treatment and she definitely did NOT want surgery. She told me that if they suggested surgery, she would just tell them "tough titties, I ain't doin no surgery, shit." It took all of my energy not to crack up at her when she went into her tirades about doctors and just life in general.

My aunt arrived and I felt almost more for her than mimi. The look of exhaustion was all over her face. But she was there morning, noon and after work every...single...day. An old co-worker of mimi's stopped by and my aunt and I slipped into the kitchen to discuss what all had been happening. Of course, I had to make me some cornbread and milk because mimi had felt good enough to make homemade cornbread. Yum. This is one of my favorite snacks! That and chocolate gravy of course! My aunt said that mimi had been bitching about the new bathroom decor. "The curtains are too long, the shower curtain is too long..blah, blah." Mimi caught wind of this and said "I told you Sammy was going to fix those!" She could hear an ant crawl! Finally, my aunt just said nothing with the house had been good enough and that her feelings were hurt. I didn't blame her, I mean my hubby and I had put a lot of hard work in the house and I know my uncle and aunt had too. But, that was the way it had always been. My aunt bore the brunt of the negative comments. To me, mimi loved the house, it was great. Turn around and to my aunt, curtains too long, etc. etc. etc.

We go back in the living room and mimi is in rare form. Shit this and shit that she went on to her friend. She argued with my aunt and I about EVERYTHING. I finally just let it go. Her mind was so jumbled from everything related to the hospital, there was no point in trying to straighten her out. I wondered if the lung doc was right to an extent of her brain damage. She just seemed a little off, not quite with the program. The one time in the conversation I put my foot down is when she argued with me about her will. Finally, I just said, "I am an ATTORNEY. I know what I am talking about here." And that ended the confrontation.

I left feeling completely exhausted after just two hours of visiting. I felt for my aunt who was there everyday. I called my dad to let him know the craziness of the day and that he needed to go see her and give his sister a break. But, in reality, that is just how mimi was to my aunt. If my dad would have showed up, it could have been a different story. Before I left I reminded her that I would not be up this week. I had a wedding in New Orleans and was looking so forward to the relief, the getaway. But for the time, I just headed home relieved that I could drive away, excited to go to the fair with my husband, but still loving mimi more than before. I was fortunate to be able to rest for my exhaustion...and that was my ultimate plan.

Dying Denial

Last Friday was an interesting visit with Mimi. She was back at her hometown hospital so she had a lot and I mean A LOT of visitors. Part of me felt it unnecessary to be there but then again, I wanted to visit as well. And hopefully, I would see her doctor and hear what his thoughts were. It truly amazed my how much she trusted her hometown doc rather than those "big city docs". Her local doctor could tell her the sky was falling and she would probably believe him!

The visit was nice. One of my second cousins was there (he is about mid 50s) and they begin to reminisce about the good ole days when my grandpa was alive. My grandpa was killed in an oil rig explosion in 1963. He was only 25 years old. My mimi was left with a 4 year old (my dad) and a 2 year old to raise. Not only that, she had lost the love of her life. This tragic even is one that she never got over yet somehow she moved on for her kids. She and my cousin chatted about how everyone would get together at someones house and just hoot and holler and cook and eat and eat and eat. The whole family would be there plus some. I told them things are just not that way anymore and extended families do not get together...or if they do it is on a rare occasion. As I sat and listened to them. I was sad that people and families did not share such a fun tradition. These are events they will never forget, yet I do not even know where all of my cousins live or even their phone numbers. It gave a new meaning to the "good ole days".

He left and more visitors drifted in and out and then it was just me and mimi. Dinnertime came and of course, I had to eat my half just so she we eat her broth. The doc came in and said she would probably get to go home Saturday..hooray!! She seemed to be out of her haze and fog and that was a relief..times 10! But then we sat there and she started in about how they were wrong, she didn't have cancer. Ugh..not this argument again! I was tired and needed to get on the road since I had an hour drive. Did I really have the energy for this discussion? I had to be blunt. I explained that the doctor discussed with me the test results and it was cancer but it was small and only Stage I . I explained that they did not want her to have surgery, that surgery would kill her and that we would wait and talk treatment in a couple of weeks. She didn't believe it and said they were wrong one before...what? She had never even had a biopsy before...the denial was there..all...day...long. But then again, I do not think I would believe someone if they told me I was dying. I would probably do the same thing. Just pretend it wasn't happening. Besides, she couldn't even think about treatment for 3 more weeks..why think about cancer?

Saturday she went home to her "new" house. She loved it! Said that she "couldn't smoke and dirty it up." Score!!! Mission accomplished even if only for a short time. My husband and I went to visit on Sunday. She was ok. Still talking a little crazy and still denying the cancer. And bossing my hubby around, of course. She absolutely LOVES him. He changed a light bulb for her once and you would have thought he handed her a lottery check. It is so funny and great at the same time. But who would blame her? My husband is awesome. He is the kind of guy that would change your grandma's light bulb and go paint her living room, without question. I love him so much.

She must be exhausted from fighting things all of the time. I am exhausted just listening to her fight things all of the time. This dying denial maybe the only hope she is hanging on to at the moment. And if that is the case, I believe dishonesty is the best policy.

Need Zen

Today is a day of rest for me (except for cleaning and working out :). It is also a rest for my mind. I have much to share about mimi going back to her hometown hospital and our visit but my mind needs zen today. It is a day for football, beer, vino and friends. A time for nachos and laughter and running far away from cancer, vascular surgery and mimi. Tomorrow will be here for my thoughts on blog and there will be many. But for today, cheers.

Cancer Conundrum

Monday afternoon mimi was still in a haze and fog. Would there ever be relief? Would she ever be normal again? Or at least as normal as she was? The lung doctor had given my aunt some very disheartening news that afternoon. His prognosis for her mind was that she would never be self-sufficient again. She had lost too much oxygen to her brain for being unable to breath deeply and she was going to be in this state of fog for the next year of her life. Which brings me to the next oh so depressing news that he gave. He said although the cancer was contained in one area of her lung, it would take the removal of the entire lung to cure her. Then he gave the dreadful news that if he did perform the lung surgery, she would surely die. Without the lung surgery, year tops. WHAT? We already had one doc say less than a year with treatment followed by another that said it could be years and now this guy? A year? And not only that, but she would be crazy? I couldn't deal. I had to release, run, hide, something.

I called my husband to give him the news. Of course, he was just as frustrated as I was. Why was this roller coaster never ending? Why did they give false hope? What was going on over there? I was in such shock that I could not even cry. Was this how it was going to be the rest of her life? I need fresh air. I grabbed the pups and headed out for a walk. But that didn't help me to run away from my thoughts. That's the bad thing about thoughts. The remain in your brain. The pups were cute though, so that helped ease the tears.

Enjoying my second LARGE glass of vino that evening, I prayed that her mind would come back. So what if we only had a year, I wanted the old mimi with me! My memories of her just couldn't include crazy!! Pig sloppin, hog wash and that we were all devil worshippers!! I new the other three could not see her this way. It would break their heart.

I patiently awaited the call from my aunt on Tuesday. How had the night gone? Not well was the answer. But then...through the day, the fog was lifting. I had to teach two classes and it was generally my busy day so I would not visit the entertainment portion of the hospital visit. All reports by the evening was that she was better, making sense and not so crazy anymore. Praise the lord! Prayers were answered. But then I became angry at that damn doctor. Why did he scare us like that? I realized this emotional roller coaster was just getting started but did a doctor, a professional in his field, have to add an extra twist and turn for the hell of it? I just wanted to scream.

Mimi was transferred to her hometown hospital this morning. That's what she wanted and hopefully she would heal better there. My day with her is on Friday and I can't wait to see her, as long as she is still in the clear mind. The cancer conundrum will be left for another day. She has to heal from the bypass first and then the cancer options would surface. All systems point at chemo and radiation and that is only if she will take them. But for today, her mind is clearing up and she is in her comfortable spot. And that, for once, gives me peace.

Haze and Fog

Yesterday was crazy at the hospital with mimi. It was like she had taken some sort of crazy pills! Oh wait...she was on morphine. My dad had relieved my aunt and I was the relief for pop but when my husband and I arrived...dad warned she was talking crazy. Unfortunately, she just seemed in a haze and fog the entire day and no relief was in sight. I felt for her because she knew she felt crazy but nothing was helping. She was in so much pain that she needed the morphine. Also, she was a pain med anomaly, instead of the small person 2mg, she needed the 5mg to even touch her pain. But that brings us to the haze and fog. I felt for her as this out of body experience took her over one hour at a time. Her words were like turrets, bursting out pointless phrases every once in awhile. She actually told my husband when we left to lock the door and she would check on everything once we left. What?

Everything from she needed to get up and get her clothes on to waking up at 7:30 p.m. and asking when I arrived. "Mimi", I said, "I have been here all day." "Oh", she replied looking at me with foggy eyes, "I thought you just got here." I knew something was wrong. She was in a permanent state of haze and fog the whole day. And then seeing her in so much pain just broke my heart. Every breathe she took ached her abdomen that was still freshly stapled from the cut Dr. Hot Pants had to do in order to find an artery that would work for the bypass. The incision was from her sternum all the way down to her pelvic line. On the small woman, it appeared as though she was a bull that the butcher was having a hey day with cutting left and right. She could not take deep breaths because it hurt so badly. The consequence of this was the lack of oxygen to her brain which leads us to the haze and fog.

This morning at 5:00 a.m. the phone rings. Rolling over from a vino induced nap, I saw that I did not recognize the number and knew...it was the hospital. The nurse apologized and said they had been fighting with mimi all night. She had pulled out her I.V. and removed her heart monitor and would not leave the oxygen in her nose. The nurse proceeded to tell me that mimi was freaking out because no family was there. I told her I would be there in 20 minutes. Begrudgingly getting ready, I hated to think about what I would walk into when I arrived. Would it be a complete circus? Racing to her room I found her lying down, calm finally, and the LPN told her I was there. Mimi knew who I was but she kept saying how crazy she felt. I assured her it would be ok and then had to explain to her like one would to a 5 year old that she cannot pull out her IV or remove her dressings from the surgery. And then about every 20 minutes, I would repeat myself. She was crazy.

Exhaustion would have been restful to me at that point. I could barely keep my eyelids open but mimi was not lacking energy. She kept fighting everyone and everything. I tried to explain that the more she fought, the longer she would have to stay. She would quit briefly and then start Round 100. When my aunt arrived around 9:30; I could not get up from my chair quicker. I needed a nap....a 5 hour nap...I needed to breathe. The hospital room was finally getting to me and I was the one feeling crazy, suffocated, out of touch with reality. But the entertainment portion of the morning was just getting started. We tried together to explain to mimi that for everything she pulls out; that was another day she would have to stay in the hospital. Mimi responded with "pig slopping hog wash" and her favorite word "shit" and did not even listen. Then I explained that they were trying to heal her. I think she mistaken "they" for televangelist because she then went into a rant of "How could you be so stupid and believe they will heal you? They just want your money and they are faking it. " Excuse me, what? Pig slopping hog wash? Stupid? Who was this woman?

So I grinned at her rant and left with intentions of a nap that two furry kids would not let me have. As I laid on the bed, hoping both dogs would fall over and get some sleep as well, I prayed that this haze and fog was morphine induced. "Please Lord, don't let this be mimi? It is not her. She needs her mind to have a good quality of life." And I went into a hazy sleep myself and hoped that the fog for everyone would lift very soon.

Smoke Colored Glasses

Saturday was a harsh reality to this whole escapade. My husband and I went to help my uncle clean mimi's house. We needed to paint, mop, scrub and try to repair the past 8 years of inside smoking. I would have hated to have cleaned her previous home that had 20 years of two inside smokers. We probably could have contracted lung cancer just breathing the air. We came prepared with mask, gloves, and lots of cleaning supplies. There was no question about the fact we were going to have to paint the living room. The walls had changed from a bright white to a dingy yellow. The plastic shades were the same; from white to yellow they reflected the past years of smoking; cigarette after cigarette, pack after pack, day in and day out..puffing, puffing, puffing.

I spray Mr. Clean (with Febreeze) on the kitchen wall. I am disgusted as I see the brown streak the wall. The furniture, same story. After I cleaned the dining room table 6 times; the towels were still a dingy brown. I felt nauseous just knowing how many times I had eaten at that table, unbeknown to me that there were layers and layers of stale smoke on the table. I swear by the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser so I bought some to clean the kitchen cabinets. The nicotine coated on the kitchen cabinets DESTROYED the Magic Eraser. I could not believe it. I mean the product did clean but it took several because they would tear apart. I did take one to the refrigerator and it looked like NEW! I was sad that she had been living in this cigarette filth but excited that she was coming home to a cleaner, healthier home. The new carpet was to be installed on Monday and the freshly painted living room looked fantastic. The new blinds and clean curtains were much needed and looked great!

Then there was the coffee table that she had smoked over for 20 plus years. It was a marble top table that looked like a cocoa marble. As I swiped the Magic Eraser over the top of the table, it became clear that it was a white marble top rather than the cocoa it appeared. It was a beautiful table and I couldn't help but think how horrible her lungs must look and how I wish I could Magic Eraser them. Oh how I dared to dream. My body was beginning to ache so I popped opened another Busch Light and started to Mr. Clean the paneling.

The whole cleaning experience was rather surreal. We all felt like we were doing a cleaning product add. I felt like I was on Clean House (one of my favorite shows) and was getting excited about the reveal day. I hoped it would be refreshing for her to enter into a new, cleaner home and I prayed that it would help to cease or decrease her smoking. Dare to dream. We wrapped up the day at Yesterday's, a great dive in town that I had not been to in years. The yummy catfish and pitcher of Bud Light were just what the doctor order. I was exhausted and I knew Sunday at the hospital would mimi would bring new battles to fight. So I enjoyed dinner with my husband and an evening of relaxation, something that was becoming a rarity. The energy was needed for new challenges in the days ahead because the house was a sign that things were just getting started. But for now, I am cuddled with the pups on the coach with a big glass of vino enjoying the evening.

Do you believe in magic?

Sitting here stunned...STUNNED at my dining room table. Is it true? Her feet are warm?

When Dr. Hot Pants came out of the OR yesterday he just looked at me with those cold eyes and my heart dropped. "Oh lord", I prayed, "please don't let this be it. I am not ready!" But I guess it doesn't really matter if I am ready or not. But, he said, "we did what we went in to do, she's ok, but her arteries are so hard they are eggshells, some of the worst that I have ever seen." Whew! She was alive but well? I could not tell from his tone. So, we moved over to ICU waiting with hopes to see her soon. The time finally came for mom, dad and I to go back. Wow. When I first saw her I couldn't believe it was her. She looked dead lying there all hooked up like a tv cable box and having a respirator breathe for her. She wasn't supposed to wake up until 4 and it was just one. OH! There she goes, starting to wake up, typical mimi style. After looking around and squeezing the nurses hand she was out again. Finally, a peaceful sleep that she had been deprived of all these years.

We all came home and proceeded to pass out. The exhaustion had set in finally. I felt like a ton of bricks when I woke up a short hour later. Mom and Dad went back over to ICU for the evening visit and the spitfire was in full effect. The nurses asked who was the granddaughter that was the attorney and they both said, "oh, she will be here tomorrow, she looks like us so you will know who she is." Mimi's abdomen is sliced down the middle from her aorta to her groin and this puts her in great pain, even with pain medication. A discussion of why people have tummy tucks and liposuction came up and she replied with, "I don't care, no man is worth this shit." Yep, she was back to her old self and maybe better.

A somewhat restful night at home until we decided for the cat to sleep in our room. Miles is our cat and I love him dearly but he wants to rub in your face ALL NIGHT LONG. Roscoe (our 35 lb. rescue) gets along with Miles but wanted to play all night. Macy (our 85 lb. weimeraner) slept with her Grammy and Papi slept on the couch. I needed to be in a coma but that would have to wait another night. I felt for my husband because he had to go to work early while I tried to catch a few extra winks.

So as I was trying to play catch up on some sleep, Dad called from ICU and said she was doing great. The cancer doc had been there and said the cancer had not spread as much as he thought (her words which may or may not be the whole truth) and they were going to move her in a room on floor 4 within the hour. The cancer doctor would visit us tomorrow and we would know exactly what he said and what's up next..but one day at a time. The nurse said Dr. Hot Pants was pleased with her vascular surgery progress and that her feet were not as black and warm. FINALLY! I pray this means the surgery worked! And already out of ICU, that was a dream! Something that I think even Dr. Hot Pants thought wouldn't work was working! I am elated, overjoyed and in tears. I pray she doesn't hurt after her abdomen heals. Please?

Usually optimistic but this time I was a skeptic. I was glad to be proven wrong and ask, Do you believe in magic?

Watching and Waiting

Yesterday was so intense. The vascular surgeon told me that mimi was having a bypass Thursday morning. He said the even with the cancer; he wanted her to have a quality of life. But then, he had to discuss the risk involved. In a HEALTHY person; there was a 5% chance of stroke, heart attack, clotting or death. Mimi=NOT HEALTHY. So after she returned from yet another test, I had to tell her about the surgery including the risk. You would have thought she would have been happy to hear about the surgery because that would relieve the pain in her foot. But she was scared. It was the first time I had seen my mimi cry. She had to go to the restroom to shed her tears and put on her strong front to my face. The pain in her foot was the reason she went to the doctor in the first place. The hardening of her arteries had ceased the circulation to her toes, which turned black and caused her the most pain she has ever experienced in her life. I knew she hurt. It broke my heart. I was happy about the surgery because it would relieve her pain. I was scared because of the risk. The doc seemed leery of the situation because of the condition of her lungs and that even made me more nervous. But, just the chance to relieve the pain in her foot was totally worth it.

That brings us here in the waiting room of surgery. Waiting for the outcome of the vascular bypass, hoping for all things positive. Hoping that she comes out without pain in her foot, so she can live her life to the fullest; at least what is left of it. Which brings me to the second portion of my stressful Wednesday....the cancer confirmation.

The oncologist had talked with her that morning and sent her for a PET scan. Granted, mimi was sick of test but I assured her it was for the better and it would help the doctor to confirm cancer. So she went and it was the most miserable test ever for her. Her foot hurt the worst it ever had and she could not move for 45 minutes. I felt miserable for her. But the biopsy results were due to be back and the oncologist was due to visit at any moment. Or so we thought. Instead there was a phone call from his nurse. She was very sweet and very apologetic that he could not be there in person. But the news was positive...for cancer that is. It was non-small cell lung cancer. What did that mean? Well...first it meant, I had to confirm my mimi's fear that she had cancer. Next...it meant she had cancer and that was the next battle.

But that is not my worry today. For now I am watching and waiting for the vascular surgeon (Mr. Hot Pants to mimi) and hoping for a brighter outlook.