So, went to visit Mimi last Friday and do some grocery shopping for Thanksgiving. My hubby and I have been summoned to go up early on Thursday and put together the chicken and dressing and the broccoli and cheese. These are two of Mimi's signature dishes and they must be at every holiday meal. The situation is bittersweet though, because she wants me to learn how to make these yummy dishes for future holiday meals. These are the meals that she may not get to attend, yet she wants her traditions to be alive and well. It was interesting for me to do the shopping and realize all of the ingredients to these "secret recipes" and how common they were!
Then comes the chocolate gravy. This is one of my most favorite meals from any grandmother but I especially love Mimi's. It was not too sweet and not too thick, just perfect to soak it some homemade buttermilk biscuits. And that is now my grandma's do it. The biscuits are still homemade and delicious. So after I went to the Kroger, we had a lesson in buttermilk biscuits and chocolate gravy and I learned this decades old tradition. And as Mimi and I sat there and enjoyed the meal we had made with love, it seemed to have tasted better than ever. A memory that I will always cherish. Buttermilk biscuits and chocolate gravy with Mimi. Yummy.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
You already know how this will end...
Cancer...3 months, 6 months, 9 tops. Words that are all too familiar yet I cannot seem to absorb them into my heart. Dad had just called with the news. The doctor had laid it all out for Mimi and my aunt and just said..."hey, this is it. This is all we can do. It is your decision on treatment." So, Mimi made the decision that I secretly had been hoping she would make. To end chemotherapy. She was such a miserable person going to treatment and was burning bridges left and right with dad, my aunt, mom, me, the nurses, docs..you name it, she was horribly rude and mean too. It was unreal and very close to unbearable!
It was amazing the calm that followed the storm. I called to check on her Tuesday and she sounded happy and relieved that she had made this decision. The burden had been lifted from her shoulders and she had taken her life into her own hands...finally. She made her own personal decision. She didn't want to suffer through chemo and she would take radiation as long as it was not a burden on herself or anyone else. This was the end of the road though, the path of life had a ditch that was too burdensome to cross. But she was content with her decision, even though my gut hurt at the thought of letting her go. Tears fell from my eyes and my hubby, who is so wonderful, just let me cry and sink my sorrows in vino. I had never really been forewarned to let someone go and it was a difficult thought for me to grasp. But I had today, tomorrow and the holidays to enjoy with Mimi. And that is what I intended on doing this holiday season. I was going to enjoy and learn to cook the traditional meals, laugh at the stories told and always remember to say I love you. There will still memories to be made and I did not want to miss out on any of those chances.
It was amazing the calm that followed the storm. I called to check on her Tuesday and she sounded happy and relieved that she had made this decision. The burden had been lifted from her shoulders and she had taken her life into her own hands...finally. She made her own personal decision. She didn't want to suffer through chemo and she would take radiation as long as it was not a burden on herself or anyone else. This was the end of the road though, the path of life had a ditch that was too burdensome to cross. But she was content with her decision, even though my gut hurt at the thought of letting her go. Tears fell from my eyes and my hubby, who is so wonderful, just let me cry and sink my sorrows in vino. I had never really been forewarned to let someone go and it was a difficult thought for me to grasp. But I had today, tomorrow and the holidays to enjoy with Mimi. And that is what I intended on doing this holiday season. I was going to enjoy and learn to cook the traditional meals, laugh at the stories told and always remember to say I love you. There will still memories to be made and I did not want to miss out on any of those chances.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
"Take me back to New Orleans"
My husband and I just returned from a wedding in New Orleans. It was a MUCH NEEDED vacation and a breath of fresh air (if you can say that about NOLA). No thoughts of cancer of bypasses or treatments; just a blessed event of two very much in love people making it official and a lot of alcohol.
This the first time I had been back to the Crescent City since Katrina but let me tell you one thing; NOLA is VERY ALIVE. The reception was at a plantation on the outskirts of the city. We were chartered by bus to the location and it was interesting to me that we went through very poor places of New Orleans to arrive at this gorgeous plantation. Although it has been three years since the downfall of Katrina, I still expected to see trash and sludge and broken homes lining the streets. To my surprise, the area looked clean, or as clean as NOLA gets, and the puzzle pieces were falling into place once again. Under bridges used to be piles of cars that were destroyed from the water's wrath but now they were once again underpasses with nothing to hide. The plantation was on the other side of THE levee and it had been restored, probably even more beautiful than before Katrina. My heart was broken to see the realization of poverty that surrounded this city of party but I felt a calm knowing that the city and its people had bounced back from such a horrendous tragedy.
As we took the bus ride from the historical Jackson Square to the plantation, there was time to think about things. Seeing the poverty outskirts of the city, I could do imagine the depths of the poor that remained inside the core of New Orleans. A guilty pain gripped my heart. I had been feeling sorry for myself because my mimi was sick, I could not figure out the "perfect" job for me, I missed my friends, blah, blah, bull shit. Had I really lost site of important things? Had I really lost the big picture? Granted, when anyone you love is hurting from disease, it hurts you as well, but that does not mean you should feel sorry for yourself! What had I been thinking? I fancied myself as somewhat of a bleeding heart, willing and wanting to help everyone. I have the business savvy and drive to be CEO of a corporation but why do that when I could help so many more. Help those that have absolutely nothing, knowing most of then may never have anything. I was amazed at the progress. People that had nothing, lost everything and then rebuild back to where they were. Granted, they were not in mansions with three sports cars in the driveway, but they had a home and they were grateful.
The government learned some hard lessons with Katrina. It was a mockery and sham how they treated the situation. I remember the week after Katrina being very depressed for those people, hurting for them, the dead and Anderson Cooper. When I watched his newscast, I saw the pain in his eyes. I saw the cry for mercy in his journalism. I saw our country's mistakes. Tears fell from my eyes on a daily basis. But this rebuilding gave me hope. Hope that no matter what, the human spirit can prevail and can be stronger that it was before.
The weekend was a blast. Seeing friends from both the east and west coast, letting go, having fun was worth it. But the lessons I learned by going back to New Orleans were priceless. No more feeling sorry for myself. I had people to help and save from this cynical world.
As we took the bus ride from the historical Jackson Square to the plantation, there was time to think about things. Seeing the poverty outskirts of the city, I could do imagine the depths of the poor that remained inside the core of New Orleans. A guilty pain gripped my heart. I had been feeling sorry for myself because my mimi was sick, I could not figure out the "perfect" job for me, I missed my friends, blah, blah, bull shit. Had I really lost site of important things? Had I really lost the big picture? Granted, when anyone you love is hurting from disease, it hurts you as well, but that does not mean you should feel sorry for yourself! What had I been thinking? I fancied myself as somewhat of a bleeding heart, willing and wanting to help everyone. I have the business savvy and drive to be CEO of a corporation but why do that when I could help so many more. Help those that have absolutely nothing, knowing most of then may never have anything. I was amazed at the progress. People that had nothing, lost everything and then rebuild back to where they were. Granted, they were not in mansions with three sports cars in the driveway, but they had a home and they were grateful.
The government learned some hard lessons with Katrina. It was a mockery and sham how they treated the situation. I remember the week after Katrina being very depressed for those people, hurting for them, the dead and Anderson Cooper. When I watched his newscast, I saw the pain in his eyes. I saw the cry for mercy in his journalism. I saw our country's mistakes. Tears fell from my eyes on a daily basis. But this rebuilding gave me hope. Hope that no matter what, the human spirit can prevail and can be stronger that it was before.
The weekend was a blast. Seeing friends from both the east and west coast, letting go, having fun was worth it. But the lessons I learned by going back to New Orleans were priceless. No more feeling sorry for myself. I had people to help and save from this cynical world.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Limits of Exhaustion
It has been quiet with mimi the past week. I went for my weekly visit last Friday and WOW. I was exhausted after visiting for just TWO HOURS! It truly amazed me how confused she was of the prior events and how nothing..seriously nothing..was ever good for her. And she still was in denial about the cancer. Would this ever end? Sadly, I thought, it will end in a tragedy. A sad tragedy of lung cancer and years of smoking that would be the sentence none of us want to hear but all of us will at some point. We all die. What's the old saying? Two things in life are certain..death and taxes.
I felt so bad for her. She denied the cancer yet again. The doctor that she thought hung the moon and stars and was just a little short of God himself had even told her she had cancer and she still did not believe him! Wow! I just hoped that she would believe the oncologist when she went to that appointment. If not, what more could one do? But as I have said before, I might deny cancer if I knew it would make me feel better. I surrendered to her thoughts about this issue. It was too exhausting to argue with her. Another doctor would tell her and if she wanted treatment, it would click. At the time, she did not want treatment and she definitely did NOT want surgery. She told me that if they suggested surgery, she would just tell them "tough titties, I ain't doin no surgery, shit." It took all of my energy not to crack up at her when she went into her tirades about doctors and just life in general.
My aunt arrived and I felt almost more for her than mimi. The look of exhaustion was all over her face. But she was there morning, noon and after work every...single...day. An old co-worker of mimi's stopped by and my aunt and I slipped into the kitchen to discuss what all had been happening. Of course, I had to make me some cornbread and milk because mimi had felt good enough to make homemade cornbread. Yum. This is one of my favorite snacks! That and chocolate gravy of course! My aunt said that mimi had been bitching about the new bathroom decor. "The curtains are too long, the shower curtain is too long..blah, blah." Mimi caught wind of this and said "I told you Sammy was going to fix those!" She could hear an ant crawl! Finally, my aunt just said nothing with the house had been good enough and that her feelings were hurt. I didn't blame her, I mean my hubby and I had put a lot of hard work in the house and I know my uncle and aunt had too. But, that was the way it had always been. My aunt bore the brunt of the negative comments. To me, mimi loved the house, it was great. Turn around and to my aunt, curtains too long, etc. etc. etc.
We go back in the living room and mimi is in rare form. Shit this and shit that she went on to her friend. She argued with my aunt and I about EVERYTHING. I finally just let it go. Her mind was so jumbled from everything related to the hospital, there was no point in trying to straighten her out. I wondered if the lung doc was right to an extent of her brain damage. She just seemed a little off, not quite with the program. The one time in the conversation I put my foot down is when she argued with me about her will. Finally, I just said, "I am an ATTORNEY. I know what I am talking about here." And that ended the confrontation.
I left feeling completely exhausted after just two hours of visiting. I felt for my aunt who was there everyday. I called my dad to let him know the craziness of the day and that he needed to go see her and give his sister a break. But, in reality, that is just how mimi was to my aunt. If my dad would have showed up, it could have been a different story. Before I left I reminded her that I would not be up this week. I had a wedding in New Orleans and was looking so forward to the relief, the getaway. But for the time, I just headed home relieved that I could drive away, excited to go to the fair with my husband, but still loving mimi more than before. I was fortunate to be able to rest for my exhaustion...and that was my ultimate plan.
I felt so bad for her. She denied the cancer yet again. The doctor that she thought hung the moon and stars and was just a little short of God himself had even told her she had cancer and she still did not believe him! Wow! I just hoped that she would believe the oncologist when she went to that appointment. If not, what more could one do? But as I have said before, I might deny cancer if I knew it would make me feel better. I surrendered to her thoughts about this issue. It was too exhausting to argue with her. Another doctor would tell her and if she wanted treatment, it would click. At the time, she did not want treatment and she definitely did NOT want surgery. She told me that if they suggested surgery, she would just tell them "tough titties, I ain't doin no surgery, shit." It took all of my energy not to crack up at her when she went into her tirades about doctors and just life in general.
My aunt arrived and I felt almost more for her than mimi. The look of exhaustion was all over her face. But she was there morning, noon and after work every...single...day. An old co-worker of mimi's stopped by and my aunt and I slipped into the kitchen to discuss what all had been happening. Of course, I had to make me some cornbread and milk because mimi had felt good enough to make homemade cornbread. Yum. This is one of my favorite snacks! That and chocolate gravy of course! My aunt said that mimi had been bitching about the new bathroom decor. "The curtains are too long, the shower curtain is too long..blah, blah." Mimi caught wind of this and said "I told you Sammy was going to fix those!" She could hear an ant crawl! Finally, my aunt just said nothing with the house had been good enough and that her feelings were hurt. I didn't blame her, I mean my hubby and I had put a lot of hard work in the house and I know my uncle and aunt had too. But, that was the way it had always been. My aunt bore the brunt of the negative comments. To me, mimi loved the house, it was great. Turn around and to my aunt, curtains too long, etc. etc. etc.
We go back in the living room and mimi is in rare form. Shit this and shit that she went on to her friend. She argued with my aunt and I about EVERYTHING. I finally just let it go. Her mind was so jumbled from everything related to the hospital, there was no point in trying to straighten her out. I wondered if the lung doc was right to an extent of her brain damage. She just seemed a little off, not quite with the program. The one time in the conversation I put my foot down is when she argued with me about her will. Finally, I just said, "I am an ATTORNEY. I know what I am talking about here." And that ended the confrontation.
I left feeling completely exhausted after just two hours of visiting. I felt for my aunt who was there everyday. I called my dad to let him know the craziness of the day and that he needed to go see her and give his sister a break. But, in reality, that is just how mimi was to my aunt. If my dad would have showed up, it could have been a different story. Before I left I reminded her that I would not be up this week. I had a wedding in New Orleans and was looking so forward to the relief, the getaway. But for the time, I just headed home relieved that I could drive away, excited to go to the fair with my husband, but still loving mimi more than before. I was fortunate to be able to rest for my exhaustion...and that was my ultimate plan.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Dying Denial
Last Friday was an interesting visit with Mimi. She was back at her hometown hospital so she had a lot and I mean A LOT of visitors. Part of me felt it unnecessary to be there but then again, I wanted to visit as well. And hopefully, I would see her doctor and hear what his thoughts were. It truly amazed my how much she trusted her hometown doc rather than those "big city docs". Her local doctor could tell her the sky was falling and she would probably believe him!
The visit was nice. One of my second cousins was there (he is about mid 50s) and they begin to reminisce about the good ole days when my grandpa was alive. My grandpa was killed in an oil rig explosion in 1963. He was only 25 years old. My mimi was left with a 4 year old (my dad) and a 2 year old to raise. Not only that, she had lost the love of her life. This tragic even is one that she never got over yet somehow she moved on for her kids. She and my cousin chatted about how everyone would get together at someones house and just hoot and holler and cook and eat and eat and eat. The whole family would be there plus some. I told them things are just not that way anymore and extended families do not get together...or if they do it is on a rare occasion. As I sat and listened to them. I was sad that people and families did not share such a fun tradition. These are events they will never forget, yet I do not even know where all of my cousins live or even their phone numbers. It gave a new meaning to the "good ole days".
He left and more visitors drifted in and out and then it was just me and mimi. Dinnertime came and of course, I had to eat my half just so she we eat her broth. The doc came in and said she would probably get to go home Saturday..hooray!! She seemed to be out of her haze and fog and that was a relief..times 10! But then we sat there and she started in about how they were wrong, she didn't have cancer. Ugh..not this argument again! I was tired and needed to get on the road since I had an hour drive. Did I really have the energy for this discussion? I had to be blunt. I explained that the doctor discussed with me the test results and it was cancer but it was small and only Stage I . I explained that they did not want her to have surgery, that surgery would kill her and that we would wait and talk treatment in a couple of weeks. She didn't believe it and said they were wrong one before...what? She had never even had a biopsy before...the denial was there..all...day...long. But then again, I do not think I would believe someone if they told me I was dying. I would probably do the same thing. Just pretend it wasn't happening. Besides, she couldn't even think about treatment for 3 more weeks..why think about cancer?
Saturday she went home to her "new" house. She loved it! Said that she "couldn't smoke and dirty it up." Score!!! Mission accomplished even if only for a short time. My husband and I went to visit on Sunday. She was ok. Still talking a little crazy and still denying the cancer. And bossing my hubby around, of course. She absolutely LOVES him. He changed a light bulb for her once and you would have thought he handed her a lottery check. It is so funny and great at the same time. But who would blame her? My husband is awesome. He is the kind of guy that would change your grandma's light bulb and go paint her living room, without question. I love him so much.
She must be exhausted from fighting things all of the time. I am exhausted just listening to her fight things all of the time. This dying denial maybe the only hope she is hanging on to at the moment. And if that is the case, I believe dishonesty is the best policy.
The visit was nice. One of my second cousins was there (he is about mid 50s) and they begin to reminisce about the good ole days when my grandpa was alive. My grandpa was killed in an oil rig explosion in 1963. He was only 25 years old. My mimi was left with a 4 year old (my dad) and a 2 year old to raise. Not only that, she had lost the love of her life. This tragic even is one that she never got over yet somehow she moved on for her kids. She and my cousin chatted about how everyone would get together at someones house and just hoot and holler and cook and eat and eat and eat. The whole family would be there plus some. I told them things are just not that way anymore and extended families do not get together...or if they do it is on a rare occasion. As I sat and listened to them. I was sad that people and families did not share such a fun tradition. These are events they will never forget, yet I do not even know where all of my cousins live or even their phone numbers. It gave a new meaning to the "good ole days".
He left and more visitors drifted in and out and then it was just me and mimi. Dinnertime came and of course, I had to eat my half just so she we eat her broth. The doc came in and said she would probably get to go home Saturday..hooray!! She seemed to be out of her haze and fog and that was a relief..times 10! But then we sat there and she started in about how they were wrong, she didn't have cancer. Ugh..not this argument again! I was tired and needed to get on the road since I had an hour drive. Did I really have the energy for this discussion? I had to be blunt. I explained that the doctor discussed with me the test results and it was cancer but it was small and only Stage I . I explained that they did not want her to have surgery, that surgery would kill her and that we would wait and talk treatment in a couple of weeks. She didn't believe it and said they were wrong one before...what? She had never even had a biopsy before...the denial was there..all...day...long. But then again, I do not think I would believe someone if they told me I was dying. I would probably do the same thing. Just pretend it wasn't happening. Besides, she couldn't even think about treatment for 3 more weeks..why think about cancer?
Saturday she went home to her "new" house. She loved it! Said that she "couldn't smoke and dirty it up." Score!!! Mission accomplished even if only for a short time. My husband and I went to visit on Sunday. She was ok. Still talking a little crazy and still denying the cancer. And bossing my hubby around, of course. She absolutely LOVES him. He changed a light bulb for her once and you would have thought he handed her a lottery check. It is so funny and great at the same time. But who would blame her? My husband is awesome. He is the kind of guy that would change your grandma's light bulb and go paint her living room, without question. I love him so much.
She must be exhausted from fighting things all of the time. I am exhausted just listening to her fight things all of the time. This dying denial maybe the only hope she is hanging on to at the moment. And if that is the case, I believe dishonesty is the best policy.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Need Zen
Today is a day of rest for me (except for cleaning and working out :). It is also a rest for my mind. I have much to share about mimi going back to her hometown hospital and our visit but my mind needs zen today. It is a day for football, beer, vino and friends. A time for nachos and laughter and running far away from cancer, vascular surgery and mimi. Tomorrow will be here for my thoughts on blog and there will be many. But for today, cheers.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Cancer Conundrum
Monday afternoon mimi was still in a haze and fog. Would there ever be relief? Would she ever be normal again? Or at least as normal as she was? The lung doctor had given my aunt some very disheartening news that afternoon. His prognosis for her mind was that she would never be self-sufficient again. She had lost too much oxygen to her brain for being unable to breath deeply and she was going to be in this state of fog for the next year of her life. Which brings me to the next oh so depressing news that he gave. He said although the cancer was contained in one area of her lung, it would take the removal of the entire lung to cure her. Then he gave the dreadful news that if he did perform the lung surgery, she would surely die. Without the lung surgery, year tops. WHAT? We already had one doc say less than a year with treatment followed by another that said it could be years and now this guy? A year? And not only that, but she would be crazy? I couldn't deal. I had to release, run, hide, something.
I called my husband to give him the news. Of course, he was just as frustrated as I was. Why was this roller coaster never ending? Why did they give false hope? What was going on over there? I was in such shock that I could not even cry. Was this how it was going to be the rest of her life? I need fresh air. I grabbed the pups and headed out for a walk. But that didn't help me to run away from my thoughts. That's the bad thing about thoughts. The remain in your brain. The pups were cute though, so that helped ease the tears.
Enjoying my second LARGE glass of vino that evening, I prayed that her mind would come back. So what if we only had a year, I wanted the old mimi with me! My memories of her just couldn't include crazy!! Pig sloppin, hog wash and that we were all devil worshippers!! I new the other three could not see her this way. It would break their heart.
I patiently awaited the call from my aunt on Tuesday. How had the night gone? Not well was the answer. But then...through the day, the fog was lifting. I had to teach two classes and it was generally my busy day so I would not visit the entertainment portion of the hospital visit. All reports by the evening was that she was better, making sense and not so crazy anymore. Praise the lord! Prayers were answered. But then I became angry at that damn doctor. Why did he scare us like that? I realized this emotional roller coaster was just getting started but did a doctor, a professional in his field, have to add an extra twist and turn for the hell of it? I just wanted to scream.
Mimi was transferred to her hometown hospital this morning. That's what she wanted and hopefully she would heal better there. My day with her is on Friday and I can't wait to see her, as long as she is still in the clear mind. The cancer conundrum will be left for another day. She has to heal from the bypass first and then the cancer options would surface. All systems point at chemo and radiation and that is only if she will take them. But for today, her mind is clearing up and she is in her comfortable spot. And that, for once, gives me peace.
I called my husband to give him the news. Of course, he was just as frustrated as I was. Why was this roller coaster never ending? Why did they give false hope? What was going on over there? I was in such shock that I could not even cry. Was this how it was going to be the rest of her life? I need fresh air. I grabbed the pups and headed out for a walk. But that didn't help me to run away from my thoughts. That's the bad thing about thoughts. The remain in your brain. The pups were cute though, so that helped ease the tears.
Enjoying my second LARGE glass of vino that evening, I prayed that her mind would come back. So what if we only had a year, I wanted the old mimi with me! My memories of her just couldn't include crazy!! Pig sloppin, hog wash and that we were all devil worshippers!! I new the other three could not see her this way. It would break their heart.
I patiently awaited the call from my aunt on Tuesday. How had the night gone? Not well was the answer. But then...through the day, the fog was lifting. I had to teach two classes and it was generally my busy day so I would not visit the entertainment portion of the hospital visit. All reports by the evening was that she was better, making sense and not so crazy anymore. Praise the lord! Prayers were answered. But then I became angry at that damn doctor. Why did he scare us like that? I realized this emotional roller coaster was just getting started but did a doctor, a professional in his field, have to add an extra twist and turn for the hell of it? I just wanted to scream.
Mimi was transferred to her hometown hospital this morning. That's what she wanted and hopefully she would heal better there. My day with her is on Friday and I can't wait to see her, as long as she is still in the clear mind. The cancer conundrum will be left for another day. She has to heal from the bypass first and then the cancer options would surface. All systems point at chemo and radiation and that is only if she will take them. But for today, her mind is clearing up and she is in her comfortable spot. And that, for once, gives me peace.
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