Dying Denial

Last Friday was an interesting visit with Mimi. She was back at her hometown hospital so she had a lot and I mean A LOT of visitors. Part of me felt it unnecessary to be there but then again, I wanted to visit as well. And hopefully, I would see her doctor and hear what his thoughts were. It truly amazed my how much she trusted her hometown doc rather than those "big city docs". Her local doctor could tell her the sky was falling and she would probably believe him!

The visit was nice. One of my second cousins was there (he is about mid 50s) and they begin to reminisce about the good ole days when my grandpa was alive. My grandpa was killed in an oil rig explosion in 1963. He was only 25 years old. My mimi was left with a 4 year old (my dad) and a 2 year old to raise. Not only that, she had lost the love of her life. This tragic even is one that she never got over yet somehow she moved on for her kids. She and my cousin chatted about how everyone would get together at someones house and just hoot and holler and cook and eat and eat and eat. The whole family would be there plus some. I told them things are just not that way anymore and extended families do not get together...or if they do it is on a rare occasion. As I sat and listened to them. I was sad that people and families did not share such a fun tradition. These are events they will never forget, yet I do not even know where all of my cousins live or even their phone numbers. It gave a new meaning to the "good ole days".

He left and more visitors drifted in and out and then it was just me and mimi. Dinnertime came and of course, I had to eat my half just so she we eat her broth. The doc came in and said she would probably get to go home Saturday..hooray!! She seemed to be out of her haze and fog and that was a relief..times 10! But then we sat there and she started in about how they were wrong, she didn't have cancer. Ugh..not this argument again! I was tired and needed to get on the road since I had an hour drive. Did I really have the energy for this discussion? I had to be blunt. I explained that the doctor discussed with me the test results and it was cancer but it was small and only Stage I . I explained that they did not want her to have surgery, that surgery would kill her and that we would wait and talk treatment in a couple of weeks. She didn't believe it and said they were wrong one before...what? She had never even had a biopsy before...the denial was there..all...day...long. But then again, I do not think I would believe someone if they told me I was dying. I would probably do the same thing. Just pretend it wasn't happening. Besides, she couldn't even think about treatment for 3 more weeks..why think about cancer?

Saturday she went home to her "new" house. She loved it! Said that she "couldn't smoke and dirty it up." Score!!! Mission accomplished even if only for a short time. My husband and I went to visit on Sunday. She was ok. Still talking a little crazy and still denying the cancer. And bossing my hubby around, of course. She absolutely LOVES him. He changed a light bulb for her once and you would have thought he handed her a lottery check. It is so funny and great at the same time. But who would blame her? My husband is awesome. He is the kind of guy that would change your grandma's light bulb and go paint her living room, without question. I love him so much.

She must be exhausted from fighting things all of the time. I am exhausted just listening to her fight things all of the time. This dying denial maybe the only hope she is hanging on to at the moment. And if that is the case, I believe dishonesty is the best policy.