"I'm thinking of what Sarah said..."

Another afternoon and evening at the hospital with mimi. She had visitors throughout the day so I cleaned house, walked the pups, recharged my batteries from the exhausting Sunday. As I was walking the pups a song that I truly love shuffled through on my MP3 player. Death Cab for Cutie's "What Sarah Said" brought a too familiar feeling to my gut. The song is so beautiful with a moving piano chord that always brings a tear to my eye. The words have such a deep meaning and then the one line that can rip one's heart...."love is watching someone die....who's going watch you die?" A gorgeous autumn day with a beautiful song playing and two cute pups having a blast on a their daily walk and a lot of time to think.

Love is watching someone die.....what does that mean? We all are going to perish at some point so are we not technically watching everyone die? But I knew what it meant. If you are suffering and have to go through treatments, who is going to be there for you? Sitting here in the hospital with mimi, I knew exactly what kind of love the song meant. It is an unconditional love...one that can sustain the pain of seeing a loved one suffer. The kind of love that gets you through the long days at the hospital, the waiting, the watching, the wondering.

Tomorrow is D-Day. The doctor will come and give mimi her death sentence. Or not. I am a firm believer that God only knows when we come and go and how we enjoy the ride. Doctors can figure all of their scientific calculations and give death sentences to their patients left and right but they are not God..they do not have a final answer. So I hope and pray for the best possible outcome tomorrow. I hope more than anything they let her go home for a few days at least. The hospital is making her crazy and frankly I hate to see her suffer in there when all she wants is her home. Even if going home is only for a short while. Lord please...give her release.

Spending the evening with her was a fun adventure as usual. A new roommate had moved in last night. This poor woman suffered from pancreatitis; a side effect from a medicine that had been prescribed to her for another ailment. And here she was in the hospital, hooked up to a morphine pump, because that is the only thing that could ease her pain. Her husband was a real nice country fella. He chatted with all of us and kept mimi entertained...it is always nice to hear her visit with others, she just enjoys it so much. When their son and daughter-in-law came to visit, it only got funnier. Mimi does not have a censor on her mouth and you never know what she is going to say. Her thing today was that she was ready to get home and have her "beer and cigarettes". That's all she wants is her "beer and cigarettes." They were told that, the nursing staff, visitors, whoever would listen. They couldn't help but chuckle. She went on to scold me in front of them because I need to be "home cookin for my husband." It floored her that he may do some of the cooking and that he may ENJOY doing some of the cooking. Or how we had to walk to another bathroom because she didn't want them to hear her "go" in thehosptial room bathroom. Way..too..funny. Priceless memories to me.

But, the woman was moved to a private room and mimi was once again left alone. She expressed her concern for tomorrow and how she just doesn't know what was going to happen. I reassured her that we do not know anything until we talk to the doctor and that after that, we can weigh the options before any decisions are made. I thought to myself, "thank you god that my dad is coming down tomorrow." I was exhausted and didn't know how much longer I could be on the roller coaster..for now at least. When I left, I did our new routine yet again, made sure she had her pain meds, kissed her on the forehead, told her I loved her and I will see her tomorrow. I pray she rest tonight. I pray I rest tonight. I am going to need my energy for the future.

Who knows what tomorrow holds? It brings me back to the Death Cab song..."there's no comfort in the waiting room. Just nervous faces bracing for bad news. Then the nurse comes round and everyone lifts their heads...I'm thinking of what Sarah said...that love is watching someone die. " That is the love I have for my mimi. And that is the journey that lies ahead.