"Look at the mess I've gotten myself into."

Saturday was wonderful. Just my husband and I and our family of pets relaxing the afternoon away after the bike race. This was followed by getting ready for a night out on the town, something that I haven't done in awhile and it felt good. Sipping on my pinot grigio as I primped and posed was such a treat and I felt good about myself. Feeling good about myself has been a journey in itself over the years. From the epitome of a deflated self-esteem to actually being able to look in the mirror or at a photo and say, "you know...I am not half bad, you sexy kitten" has been one hell of a ride. But, I made it and it felt good to see it again. Then we went to a neighborhood block party and my bud's big 30th bash...with lots of vino to boot....much needed and much appreciated.

All to be followed up by an unexpected Sunday in the hospital with mimi. Granted, we were going to visit her Sunday but an early phone call from my aunt explaining that she wasn't sure if mimi had her anxiety pill and she was freaking out led to an unshowered bum moving hurriedly out the door and zooming over to assist in stopping one of probably many meltdowns. I thought, feeling guilty later, surely this will only take an hour or so and then the visitors will pile in so I could slip out and get a shower and some things done around the house. But no...that wasn't the case. A couple of short-time visitors led to a full eight hours of me and mimi and a roller coaster of emotions and one of the most memorable days I would have spent with her.

She had actually taken her Xanax and seemed normal but sad when I arrived trotting through the door as thought I was walking into a fire to save someone. "Hi hon. Glad to see you, what's going on?" So I sat and we began to visit. Lunch was served and she split her meal down the middle to share because she couldn't eat it all. She explained that she felt bad for leaving any food on the tray because there were other people out there who needed it and it was going to waste. Although I was full from a pancake brunch my husband had made, I took the food and shared a meal with my mimi. She explained that she hated the apple pie as well and that it did not need to be wasted, so I ate the pie (or parts of it) and ate the lemon icebox pie with dinner. I could have cared less and really did not have a desire for pie at the time but I kept thinking how guilty I would feel if two years down the road, I looked back and thought "damn, I wish I would have eaten that pie with my mimi." So, I ate it and it wasn't half bad but the sentiment made it delicious.

The afternoon ended up being rather eventful. After lunch, my uncle brought my cousin and his little boy up to see mimi. Because the great-grandson was still a baby, we had to go visit him outside. I went to fetch a wheelchair (hospital policy) to wheel mimi out to the fountain garden to see them. What a treat that was for her...or was it? I wasn't really sure after all of the bitching with regards to the super stretch limo wheelchair that I had to wheel her outside in and that she wanted a cigarette even though I explained that it was a non-smoking hospital campus. But, in the end, I think she did enjoy the baby's visit. He was adorable and smiled and waved bye-bye as she held him on her lap. Another memory of her happiness to put away in my memory box.

After they left, we wheeled back upstairs to the room and settled in for an afternoon of TV and chatting about things, mainly life. She was confused about the situation and the biopsy, tumor, why she was there..you name it, she questioned it. She thought she was having surgery to remove the tumor on Monday when in reality, it was the biopsy of the tumor to determine the severity of the cancer. Maybe this was her defense mechanism. She went on about how she didn't have cancer, how she was going to prove them wrong and with the blink on an eye, changed her tune to coming down for treatment and quitting smoking. This roller coaster had a lot of hills and turns.

Then we chatted about the good ole days and how she was happy to have seen her kids grown, her grandkids grown and even a couple of great-grandkids. She was in tears that she watched people leave the hospital yet she was still there waiting and not really sure what she was waiting for. She would sigh and look at me and shake her head as she said "Look at the mess I've gotten myself into." I know she was thinking how she is not ready to go, she wants to hang around awhile longer. The reality of cancer had set in..at least for today. She had a couple of more visitors and we chatted and chatted and then after they left, we went on a walk, shared another meal and visited some more. It was turning dark and she didn't want me to leave unless my husband came up to the hospital to follow me home..which he did. The strength and compassion of my husband we will get to another day, but he is my rock and he will be my shoulder to cry on throughout this story that is bound to have a heartbreaking ending.

The day was wonderful...sad but wonderful. It was the chance of a lifetime to see how human my mimi was and to share stories of the past and learn about her life (which has been quite interesting to say the least). This day...an unexpected, unscheduled hospital visit will be one that I will remember forever. Before I left, I reminded her that none of us know what the future may hold, but we can think positive and remember we love each other. And we left with a kiss, love you and see you tomorrow. I am going to miss her so much.